The Real World, s25e01: “Welcome To Las Vegas”
No lies, this episode starts with an in media res fast-cut montage of THE GOOD TIMES and then THE BAD TIMES and THE DRAMA and then cuts to a “TWO MONTHS EARLIER” caption screen like we’re watching Lost or something. I wish. Even Kate was only half as annoying as your average Real World housemate.
So, here we are – another season and another group of beautiful 20-somethings put on MTV for us all to gawp at. So who do we have this time?
ADAM, 23, MAINE
Adam’s interview tape footage consists of him sitting, bare-chested, talking about how much of a player he is. He shows how much of an STD-Pirate Bay he is during this episode, making out with about twenty five basically identical blonde chicks he picks up in the casino, all the time lusting after Nany and talking about how he’s going to be there to ‘pick up the pieces’ when she inevitably breaks up with her boyfriend, which if it happens will likely be because of his constant sexual creeping. I salute thee, Adam. STAY CLASSY. He apparently also has some kind of SECRET CRIMINAL PAST, ooooohhhhhhhh I wonder if that will cause drama in future.
DUSTIN, 24, LOUISANA
Dustin is a dreamy man. A dreamy, dreamy man. Look at that hair! Look at how he looks effortlessly cool just checking into his hotel room. But Dustin, OH DUSTIN, has a secret. He’s an internet porn star, a bit like Dustin Diamond aka Screech from Saved by the Bell. He’s a cast member (teehee, MEMBER) on a site named Frat Party (NSFW, obviously), a site that appears to cater to ladies and men whose desires involve lots of hunky young men living in a house and taking showers together. Look on the front page, there he is under the name ‘Spencer’, you can even see his wang! Or don’t, I’m not your boss. He’s so dreamy that Heather can’t resist him and they make out, and then he admits he has fears over how she (and the others) will react when he has to tell them about it. Uh oh!
HEATHER, 21, SOME PART OF NEW JERSEY THAT ISN’T THE SHORE
She’s blonde and short and not a great deal else so far. I think she described herself as “impulsive”, which generally in the context of people who look like her means, “I’ll drink seventeen tequila shots and then make out with a chick who looks just like me!!!!”, but otherwise she’s a bit of a personality vacuum. She makes out with Dustin (Diamond) towards the end of the episode, but then who wouldn’t? I probably would. According to the Internet she is bangable. Do you remember how great it was before the Internet, when the opinions of morons were restricted to their heads and not made public?
LAS VEGAS, 100, NEVADA
Originally founded as a railroad town in 1905, Las Vegas was incorporated officially in 1911. Little more than a stopover until the completion of the Hoover Dam (you know, where Megatron’s luxury condo was located in the first Transformers movie) in 1935, the city has since developed into probably the world’s premier den of sin, and as such attracts rich tourists from all over the world. Peak oil, lack of investment in alternative energy sources and the catastrophic energy problems the two are likely to cause means that Las Vegas will probably come to resemble Mos Eisley within thirty or forty years, so if you’re thinking about going there now is probably the time because NEON LIGHTS OMG
LEROY, 25, TEXAS VIA MICHIGAN
Leroy is the oldest of the housemates and, it seems, the only one not educated to college/university level. No, instead he’s a bin man. He’s the a working class shotgun shell to the middle class heart of The Real World! Leroy considers himself something of a ladies man, and with good reason – he spends about thirty percent of this episode making out with blonde chicks he picks up in the casino. Like in the photo above. I’m sure his ‘incredibly strict’ foster parents (© MTV bio) are very proud of him right.
MICHAEL, 23, NOWHERESVILLE VIRGINIA
THE HAT Michael’s USP in the show is that he’s a pretty hardcore Christian – according to his MTV bio he grew up with a pretty tough family background and went to a strict Catholic school for the entire of his education. The episode opens with footage of the phone call where THE HAT he’s told he’s going to be on the show, and in the same phone call he admits he lost his virginity a few weeks previously and it was ‘awkward’ because that’s apparently what you do when talking to MTV producers on the phone? His biggest moment in this episode is where he goes out THE HAT looking for girls, brings two hesitant-looking ones back with the promise of bowling, and then proceeds to read them Bible passages. Personally I’m hoping this ends up like that episode of The Simpsons when Homer and Ned go to Vegas and get a bit wacky and end up with SKANKY VEGAS WIVES ahahahaha lolz THE HAT THE HAT THE HAT
NANY, 21, UP-UPSTATE NEW YORK
Nany does something or whatever, I don’t know. She’s never lived away from her family home and has a boyfriend that she’s been with since she was 15, who looks proper G from the one photo that’s shown of him. I assume there’ll be some whining from her about how she misses him and how hard it is, which I can probably deal with providing she’s less irritating than Erica from the DC season. She probably won’t be. She has lunch with Adam (see above picture) and he spends most of it and this episode creeping onto her, and from the previews it looks like she’s stupid enough to go with it.
NAOMI, 22, THE BRONX
Naomi is from THE BRONX yo, and says she grew up in a neighbourhood full of drug dealers and prostitutes, so I guess she’ll be right at home on the Vegas strip AHAHAHA SATIRE. She seems to be doing pretty well for herself now, though, as her MTV bio says she has a Master’s in International Politics. She does very little in this episode except look stylish, but it’s worth pointing out that she shares her surname with a pretty decent Transformer. He was no Computron, but really, who was?
So that’s the Vegas Crew. Or is it? The original MTV bios, as currently listed on Wikipedia, list another housemate – a Heather ‘Cookie’ Cooke, from the confusingly named California, Maryland – but she’s not in this episode so I have no idea what’s going on there. Who doesn’t like a good mystery, though?
STAY TUNED NEXT WEEK BYE