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s24e03 – “Jemmye’s White Knight”

July 29, 2010

WOW POOR SCHEDULE. I actually wrote 90% of this post close to a week ago, but I’ve been busy with music festivals and sticking together record sleeves (DIY4LIFE) and having my girlfriend stay with me and apparently writing about The Real World is not a fun activity for my girlfriend to sit and watch me do like WHATEVER, but I’m planning another update over the weekend and then, as of next week, this blog should settle into a regular pattern of updates as the season progresses.

I’m also currently debating writing about the new season of Jersey Shore, which starts TOMORROW in the US. I’M VERY EXCITED.

This week on The Real World:

Mardi Gras! Ryan is a sex pest! Knight is a sex pest! MARDI GRAS!

Firstly, yes, the above is Ryan lurking behind a gate to jump out on a woman he’s trying to hump. Secondly:

“Mardi Gras is here, and I’m ready for some boobies”


Thus spake Knight, in the opening part of this week’s episode. Obviously, this is MTV, so there are no boobies on display. Sorry, anyone who stumbles across this via googling “real world kenzie boobs”. Oh, do I love the way wordpress tells you how people find your blog. Yes, I’m talking about you, Mr “Ryan Knight Mankini”. Pervert.

There’s very little in the way of Mardi Gras in the show at all, which is surprising considering how it’s a major event and one of the key things New Orleans is known for internationally.

So the main focus of this episode is, as you can see from the INCREDIBLE double-meaning in the title (his name is Knight, she doesn’t do whites, this shit is OUTTA SIGHT), the blossoming Knight / Jemmye romance. It starts off with a scene where they’re at some party and she is dancing in front of him and then this happens:

Yes, that is Knight’s arm thrusting the dollar bills between Jemmye’s ass cheeks. Lovely stuff.

At some point later on he decides to further illustrate how he is a classic romance hero by making a wall chart and getting the other housemates to guess how long it will take him to make love to his sweetheart.

It’s not really explained why they call her “Jim Beam”, but I would guess it’s because she has a totally retarded name and because she likes to drink until she vomits. Of the answers there, Knight’s is “3” and Ashlee’s is “never”. That’s cold, Ashlee. Stone cold cold.

Or maybe not, because Knight also makes a comment to Jemmye that he’ll be the best “two pumps” she ever had. Maybe, just maybe, he deserves everything he gets? Maybe they all do?

By this point they’re out at some awful looking DJ bar (again), everyone drinks too much (again), and when they head home a TOTAL ARGUMENT kicks off between Knight and Kenzie. It basically goes like this:

Knight: “Maybe you don’t know, but sex can be fun.”
Kenzie: “I just don’t think two pumps is fun.”
Knight: “I think your opinions are goofy to me”

SICK BURN. Cut to a Talking Head Kenzie, who utters these words of supreme wisdom: “Casual sex is like binge eating; it’s good while you do it, but afterwards you feel bad about yourself”

Dear Kenzie: how do you feel if you combine casual sex with binge eating?

Jeymee gets in a strop with all the arguing and runs off to bed. She wraps herself in a towel for… some reason.

I guess Kenzie got her wish, as she totally cock blocked Knight. Won’t be the first time this episode she does this to one of the male housemates…

Meanwhile, apparently Preston has brought someone home who didn’t mind his housemates totally inane arguing and name calling, and they get a bit fuuuuuuuuuuuuunkeeeeeey:

Preston, you dawg.

This obviously sets tongues a-wagging amongst the other inmates, and Ashlee has to ruin it all by getting a bit racist:

JUST KIDDIN’ ASH. You’re probably the least objectionable person in the house, I don’t want to besmirch your reputation just yet. I’m sure you’ll manage it yourself before the season ends.

Preston emerges from the shower, apparently just to creep out his housemates with way too much information:

That second one is an interntrons meme waiting to happen, right. Right?

So they then disappear off to bed and presumably Have The Sex after this, but the thing to remember here is this:

* Preston shares a room with Jemmye
* Jemmye sulked off to bed a while ago

Claaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassy, Preston.

Moving on, moving on. They head out again the next night, to another awful DJ bar. I know I keep saying this, BUT THEY ARE IN NEW ORLEANS. GO SEE SOME LIVE JAZZ OR SOMETHING FOR GOD’S SAKE.

Blah blah. Some girls starts hitting on Knight, right in front of Jemmye. THE SKANK. Jemmye gets in a mad huff and goes to the bar to DO SOME SHOTS. Remember kids, alcohol IS awesome but there are limits. This is one of them:

I’m not sure if she drank the entire rack of test tubes or not. Probably, as she eventually makes up with Knight for… whatever transgression he did in talking to another girl, and she does it in a way steeped in the history and charm of the southern United States:

Wait, is she offering a threesome? That sounds pretty dirty. She’s deffo offering something:


But wait, DISASTER STRIKES, and The Real World begins to resemble one of those episodes of Booze Britain filmed in Cardiff on a Saturday night.


But then she looks really happy?

But then they get home and she starts sobbing uncontrollably and crying out for Knight?

But then she tries to get help from Ryan, only for him to act like a total dick (how novel) with a hilarious facial expression?

But then Knight goes to hide in the shower?

But then she rings her mother (clearly really late at night) and can do little more than squeal down the phone at her?


While all this is going on, Preston (THE PIMP) has brought home a different boy (THE PIMP). This one is nicknamed “Big Thang”. Or maybe “Big Thing”. I dunno. He doesn’t deserve any new PIMP TRICKS it seems, because:

So I guess they Have The Sex as well, presumably again whilst Jemmye was in the next bed. Given how hysterically drunk she was earlier though, I doubt she was conscious and forced to listen to it this time.

The following day they’re all sitting around the pool, when Preston appears to cadge some more condoms from Knight. This puts Ryan in a major strop, as apparently he doesn’t like it when people are very open about how they are going to Have The Sex, especially in the middle of the day because apparently that makes the difference.

“Hello. I am a total douchebag.”

See, the thing with this is that I suspect he would not have said this had it not been Preston. All jokes aside, it’s quite clear that Ryan is very uncomfortable over some aspect of his sexuality and he decides to compensate for this by overreacting and trying to me all Alpha Male, which is downright funny considering how much of a pansy looking dimwit he is. He has an argument with Preston after the above scene, after Preston suggests that Ryan is not “100% straight”, which culminates in Ryan getting in a huff because Preston implies Ryan isn’t cute enough for him to be interested. Like, what? Who does that? It’s like that bit on Brass Eye when Chris Morris has a go at Simon Pegg for not fancing his son. Sorta. Except not funny.

Also, there’s the fact that Ryan is a massive sexpest. He makes the point (again) about how he doesn’t like casual sex and wants to only Do The Sex with someone he loves, yet before they go out he goes on about GETTIN’ LUCKY. CLASSIC RYAN, ONCE AGAIN.

Actually, he does get lucky this episode. He falls out with Kenzie again over their baffling will they / won’t they thing, and instead decides to make out with her friend.


This causes some massive falling out with Kenzie, who keeps trying to cockblock him (told you) and blah di blah. It’s not interesting.

Let’s end this on a happy note, shall we?


3 Comments leave one →
  1. July 29, 2010 8:58 pm

    This is way better than actually having to watch it.

  2. Rachel permalink
    July 29, 2010 9:47 pm

    *flails* WHHHHHHHHHY?

    • July 29, 2010 9:58 pm

      I suspect I can only follow the real world by using Daniel as a human filter to protect me from this kind of reaction short-circuiting my brain.

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