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s24e02 – “Knight Fights, Love Bites”

July 13, 2010

Drinking! Arguments! Flying cushions! Mankinis! This idiot!

Only on The Real World!

Let’s cut straight to the JUICY BITS. Ryan and Knight have a serious time falling out. If you’re a fan of that thing in The Real World where they get drunk and argue about pointless and minor things, you’re going to love this episode.

It’s a shame, then, that you’ve got to go back a bit and deal with about fifteen minutes of stupidity and whining to understand the context. Ryan, Ashlee and Jemmye head out for the night on their own. They end up at a DJ bar, so we get some standard Real World footage of them all dancing terribly, and really inexplicably a shot of Ryan in the DJ booth itself. It’s amazing what TV cameras will do for you. Then…

Good one, Ryan. I know we’re only two episodes in, but I really feel this sort of comment is CLASSIC RYAN already.  So instead of going to a bar with more girls, they… go home? Except… nobody has any keys? Not even… the production crew who have the cameras and stuff? So… Ryan decides to climb over the gate? OK then.

Also, lol:

Ow.

So at this point, Ryan apparently throws his shoulder out. You can tell this because he sorta faux-stumbles around the house, suddenly without a shirt, sporting a look that lies somewhere between confused and hurt. He then gets some ice and goes to lie on his bed and whimper to himself a bit. The others get home (they’re also drunk), and Knight – quite the expert in shoulder injuries – asks Ryan some questions and comes to the assessment that his shoulder hasn’t popped out because… you can’t see that it has popped out. This seems reasonable to everyone except Ryan, who still sports faces like this:

Internalise that pain, dude. Internalise it. NOBODY UNDERSTAND YOU OR YOUR FLOPPY HAIR. So Eric, who presumably has had enough of Ryan’s emo prick routine, calls a cab and takes him to the local ER. I guess all doctors in a city like Nyar’Leans want to do is deal with hypochondriac whiteboy Brokencyde-reject reality TV castmembers who also happen to be wasted? EXCELLENT. They quickly farm him off with a sling (gone by the following morning) and some badass pain medication.

For some reason, upon returning to the house, Ryan decides to admit to Knight that he was faking the thing all along. Wait, what? Who would do that? The two then start trading insults in that perfect way that only two drunken early-20s males can do. A couple of the other housemates try and intervene and break them up, but then – oh shit – KNIGHT THROWS A CUSHION AT RYAN’S HEAD. Dude.

OH NO HE DI’NT. It’s a bit blurry, but look – I managed to capture the exact moment of impact. From his expression, it’s clear the sucker had no idea it was coming. BURN.

Ryan then gets REALLY MAD because OH DUDE Knight THREW A CUSHION AT HIM and OH DUDE. What I really like though is that the cushion rebounds off Ryan’s head and lands perfectly on the chair. Looks like Ashlee isn’t the only one who can shoot three pointers! <—- SPORTS METAPHOR

SEE. That’s a cushion placement FIT FOR A KING. Oh right, so what else happens? Well, we get a Ryan Talking Head where he hilariously claims all he’s tried to do is be Knight’s friend, uh, despite referring to him as a meathead fratboy whatever last week, and doing anything possible to switch rooms so as not to share with him. They end up going to bed on an unresolved argument (a bad move for any budding couple) and not talking for a few days, but it all works out in the end:

Awww. Also, look – they went to a Dive Bar™ and played darts! That’s some real Nyar’Leans shit right there, I bet they totally hung out with Antoine Baptiste and Big Daddy and YEAH.

This brings me onto a point, actually. They’re in New Orleans, right, a city which seems to have live music stuffed into every single nook and cranny, so why on earth do they keep going to awful awful DJ bars? NOTE TO MTV: YOU ALREADY HAVE ONE JERSEY SHORE.

So yep, we’re two episodes in to The Real World: New Orleans II: The Bloodening and we’ve already got a bust-up of the kind that the DC crew could only dream of.  Not even Ty and Emily would stoop to throwing cushions at each other.

I feel like I’m unfairly ragging on Ryan here, but I can’t help it. The guy just comes across as a total attention-seeking douchebag who absolutely loves drama of all kinds. I’m almost certain he spends all his time pouring his heart out to open contempt on an  internet message board somewhere. Plus, given that Ryan apparently “chafes against the assumption that he is gay” (© wikipedia, so probably stolen from the MTV bio), you’d think he’d want to avoid moments like this:

I guess he got over the whole “you guys touch me and I feel like killing myself” thing, huh.

OK, so I’m totally going to leave Ryan alone until at least next week. What else happened this week? Chiefly, Eric and Sahar TOTALLY LIEK MADE OUT. In a club. When they were both clearly drunk. Romance, thy name is:

Schexxxxy. They then have some kind of confusing heart to heart about how Sahar has a boyfriend but actually doesn’t but sorta really does and I don’t really know what happened because IT’S NOT VERY INTERESTING.

Far more interesting is the ongoing Knight/Jemmye romance, which is shaping up to be an epic to last the ages and define the notion of “love” as far as the early 21st Century goes. Basically: Jemmye has never ever done sex with a whiteboy before, and Knight is hoping to be her first. I say “hoping”, I mean “he repeatedly tells her they’re going to have sex eventually”. I am shedding a tear right now, everyone. She usually appears unconvinced, but at one point this episode they end up sharing a bed (what?) and then he takes her bra off her (what?) and throws it at Preston (what?), who is in the next bed at the same time.

There are really no words.

Knight decides to change tactics towards the end of the episode, and moves away simple borderline-sexual harassment into borderline public exposure. Most of the cast are outside in the pool, and he turns up in a Borat-esque mankini thing.

I’d like to publicly thank MTV for censoring this. I’d like to publicly not thank them for that not being a real alligator.

Let’s wrap this up, shall we? The best bit of the pool scene is the following – the mankini becomes a topic of conversation, with some of the guys enquiring to the ladies as to how comfortable it was with having such things riding up your bum. Because all girls wear thongs, OBVZ. Sahar replies that she wouldn’t know as, in a simply lovely choice words, she mentions that doesn’t put things “up her ass”. The camera immediately cuts to this:

OHHHHHH THE BURN OF DISAPPOINTMENT

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