So, here we are – another season and another group of beautiful 20-somethings put on MTV for us all to gawp at. So who do we have this time?

ADAM, 23, MAINE
Adam’s interview tape footage consists of him sitting, bare-chested, talking about how much of a player he is. He shows how much of an STD-Pirate Bay he is during this episode, making out with about twenty five basically identical blonde chicks he picks up in the casino, all the time lusting after Nany and talking about how he’s going to be there to ‘pick up the pieces’ when she inevitably breaks up with her boyfriend, which if it happens will likely be because of his constant sexual creeping. I salute thee, Adam. STAY CLASSY. He apparently also has some kind of SECRET CRIMINAL PAST, ooooohhhhhhhh I wonder if that will cause drama in future.

DUSTIN, 24, LOUISANA
Dustin is a dreamy man. A dreamy, dreamy man. Look at that hair! Look at how he looks effortlessly cool just checking into his hotel room. But Dustin, OH DUSTIN, has a secret. He’s an internet porn star, a bit like Dustin Diamond aka Screech from Saved by the Bell. He’s a cast member (teehee, MEMBER) on a site named Frat Party (NSFW, obviously), a site that appears to cater to ladies and men whose desires involve lots of hunky young men living in a house and taking showers together. Look on the front page, there he is under the name ‘Spencer’, you can even see his wang! Or don’t, I’m not your boss. He’s so dreamy that Heather can’t resist him and they make out, and then he admits he has fears over how she (and the others) will react when he has to tell them about it. Uh oh!

HEATHER, 21, SOME PART OF NEW JERSEY THAT ISN’T THE SHORE
She’s blonde and short and not a great deal else so far. I think she described herself as “impulsive”, which generally in the context of people who look like her means, “I’ll drink seventeen tequila shots and then make out with a chick who looks just like me!!!!”, but otherwise she’s a bit of a personality vacuum. She makes out with Dustin (Diamond) towards the end of the episode, but then who wouldn’t? I probably would. According to the Internet she is bangable. Do you remember how great it was before the Internet, when the opinions of morons were restricted to their heads and not made public?

LAS VEGAS, 100, NEVADA
Originally founded as a railroad town in 1905, Las Vegas was incorporated officially in 1911. Little more than a stopover until the completion of the Hoover Dam (you know, where Megatron’s luxury condo was located in the first Transformers movie) in 1935, the city has since developed into probably the world’s premier den of sin, and as such attracts rich tourists from all over the world. Peak oil, lack of investment in alternative energy sources and the catastrophic energy problems the two are likely to cause means that Las Vegas will probably come to resemble Mos Eisley within thirty or forty years, so if you’re thinking about going there now is probably the time because NEON LIGHTS OMG

LEROY, 25, TEXAS VIA MICHIGAN
Leroy is the oldest of the housemates and, it seems, the only one not educated to college/university level. No, instead he’s a bin man. He’s the a working class shotgun shell to the middle class heart of The Real World! Leroy considers himself something of a ladies man, and with good reason – he spends about thirty percent of this episode making out with blonde chicks he picks up in the casino. Like in the photo above. I’m sure his ‘incredibly strict’ foster parents (© MTV bio) are very proud of him right.

MICHAEL, 23, NOWHERESVILLE VIRGINIA
THE HAT Michael’s USP in the show is that he’s a pretty hardcore Christian – according to his MTV bio he grew up with a pretty tough family background and went to a strict Catholic school for the entire of his education. The episode opens with footage of the phone call where THE HAT he’s told he’s going to be on the show, and in the same phone call he admits he lost his virginity a few weeks previously and it was ‘awkward’ because that’s apparently what you do when talking to MTV producers on the phone? His biggest moment in this episode is where he goes out THE HAT looking for girls, brings two hesitant-looking ones back with the promise of bowling, and then proceeds to read them Bible passages. Personally I’m hoping this ends up like that episode of The Simpsons when Homer and Ned go to Vegas and get a bit wacky and end up with SKANKY VEGAS WIVES ahahahaha lolz THE HAT THE HAT THE HAT

NANY, 21, UP-UPSTATE NEW YORK
Nany does something or whatever, I don’t know. She’s never lived away from her family home and has a boyfriend that she’s been with since she was 15, who looks proper G from the one photo that’s shown of him. I assume there’ll be some whining from her about how she misses him and how hard it is, which I can probably deal with providing she’s less irritating than Erica from the DC season. She probably won’t be. She has lunch with Adam (see above picture) and he spends most of it and this episode creeping onto her, and from the previews it looks like she’s stupid enough to go with it.

NAOMI, 22, THE BRONX
Naomi is from THE BRONX yo, and says she grew up in a neighbourhood full of drug dealers and prostitutes, so I guess she’ll be right at home on the Vegas strip AHAHAHA SATIRE. She seems to be doing pretty well for herself now, though, as her MTV bio says she has a Master’s in International Politics. She does very little in this episode except look stylish, but it’s worth pointing out that she shares her surname with a pretty decent Transformer. He was no Computron, but really, who was?

So that’s the Vegas Crew. Or is it? The original MTV bios, as currently listed on Wikipedia, list another housemate – a Heather ‘Cookie’ Cooke, from the confusingly named California, Maryland – but she’s not in this episode so I have no idea what’s going on there. Who doesn’t like a good mystery, though?

STAY TUNED NEXT WEEK BYE

But, NEVER FEAR, the new season is here and I’m back. It’s set in Las Vegas (again) and they’re living in a converted suite at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, just like people in the real world do. Here’s an oh-so-pally MTV promo photo:

They all look so friendly towards each other. I wonder what’s going to happen when things GET REAL?

This week, on The Real World:

IT’S SUPER BOWL TIME!!! Also, yes, that’s a dog parade.

Knight and Jemmye are still “at it” (I MEAN SEX). The cast are… at something, a party, an awful DJ bar, I dunno, and they sneak off to the bathroom to have sex. And they attacked the Jersey Shore cast for having an irresponsible attitude towards casual sex? At least Pauly D usually did them girls in his bed.

So yeah, that’s Ryan sexpesting it up and listening in by the door. He’s starting early this episode.

The main theme of this week’s episode is THE SUPERBOWL! That’d be a big deal just by itself, but this time THE SAINTS ARE PLAYING IN IT! To illustrate just how excited they are, the cast play some STREET FOOTBALL!

“Hello. I am a total douchebag! In a silly hat.”

Remember kids, obstructing traffic is cool. Remember Wayne’s World? GAME ON! … CAR! … GAME ON! … CAR!

The big story this week, aside from THE SUPERBOWL!, is that Preston and Ryan fall out again. I know, I know, what could two attention-seeking dimwits possibly fall out over? I mean, didn’t that happen already but then they made up and got all huggy. UH UH. Well, yes, it did, but one of the things you can so wonderfully rely on castmembers of The Real World for is that they love causing drama. Love love love it.

A little way into this episode Preston starts telling/boring the other housemates his “coming out” story. Here he is looking Serious:

YOU GOT CONDOMS?

Preston is busy emoting hard about how difficult it was for him, and Ryan accuses him of attention seeking.

WOAH WOAH. Back up there, kiddo?

Ryan accuses Preston of attention seeking.

I can’t even start with this. I mean, Ryan is probably right, because Preston is an attention seeker. But, still, it doesn’t change the fact that they both spend a large portion of their time acting like six year olds. Some peoPLE, HUH. We’re going to move on.

SUBPLOT TIME. Preston and Ashlee have a meeting with a local radio station (WWOZ, a “a non-profit community-supported radio station… [that] specializes in music from or relating to the cultural heritage of New Orleans and the surrounding region of Louisiana”) because they want to get involved in the media. Ashlee has a bit of background in radio, mostly sports reporting. Preston, in his own words, just wants to be a TV personality. That’s a real surprise, that is.

Somehow, despite having very little experience in what the station does, they get given their own little slot where they have to do vox pop style interviews on the streets at public events – leading up to Super Bowl day. I say “somehow”, I mean “because they are the stars of an MTV reality show”.

Back in the house, Preston gets an email from BIG THANG. It contains nudie pictures:

Congratulations, you have now become the person most humiliated by being involved in The Real World EVER.

Preston declines to respond (THE PIMP) but Knight tries to reply as Preston, making some comment about how Knight has a bigger dick LOL etc.

Returning to the stupid Preston/Ashlee subplot, their first assignment sees them helping out with and interviewing people at a dog parade, that I think is part of the ongoing Mardi Gras.

A Talking Head Sahar informs us that she doesn’t really like dogs, although she looks pretty happy here:

The people as you would expect, are generally a little unhinged.

Crazy Woman: “This is the biggest day of my life.”

:’(

Back to the MAIN PLOT. They’re in a cab, going home. They’re talking about BIG THANG, and Knight makes a comment about how if he’s hanging around outside the house, he’s going to punch him (what) and they have a general chitchat about how Preston (THE PIMP) liked him at one point, he just doesn’t anymore. Ryan gives him “props” for dropping him like a used tissue, and then says that he thought big thing was in to him. Preston then drops THE BOMB and oh boy, this is going to be a big one:

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH boy.

I mean, it is obvious to anyone that Ryan, whilst maybe not confused about his sexuality, is clearly very uncomfortable with something around himself and the perceptions he gives off to others. But even given this, you’d hope that Preston would have realised by now not to say things like that in front of him.

Ryan responds by dropping the F-bomb, and shit gets real. Preston refers to him as “the most ignorant person” he has ever met and we get a massive BLEEP BLEEP argument in the car.

The arguing continues back at the house, with just about everyone mocking Ryan for how much he overreacts to, well, everything ever. Ryan rings his brother, and tells him he’s going to beat Preston up. He then has a man-to-man with Knight.

Knight’s all “HEY DUDE, REMEMBER WHEN WE DIDN’T GET ON BUT THEN SUDDENLY WE DID AND NOW WE’RE BROS? CAN’T THAT JUST INEXPLICABLY HAPPEN AGAIN!?!?” and Ryan is blah blah blah. Preston sits outside with Sahar, and reiterates that he doesn’t like Ryan and the way he gets offended over everything. Sahar has an annoying headcold voice that makes it difficult for me to concentrate on what she says.

Away from the tedious unpleasantness, it’s SUPERBOWL TIME! Jemmye celebrates as best she knows how:

Yay booze. The cast then talking about psyched they are about THE SUPERBOWL! and how much they hope the Saints win THE SUPERBOWL! and blah blah. Go team!

Ashlee and Preston are preparing for their next round of interviews, but disaster strikes! None of the ones with the insane people from the Dog Parade actually recorded! OH OH. They ring the operations manager at the station and ask him how it works. I assume he had his head in his hands whilst he was on the phone. Go team!

The cast head downtown and it’s absolute carnage in the streets. Total drunken carnage. Looks pretty fun, all told. Eric, in his contractually-obliged appearance this episode, informs us via a Talking Head that Sahar (remember their thing? no?) has promised to make out with him if the Saints win. He looks excited.

Remember how McKenzie can’t handle her drink?

Go team!

Eric muses on the tricky concept of alcohol tolerance, relating to how much he can drink vs how much McKenzie can drink

Eric: “One beer for me is like five for McKenzie.”

Just ask this scientician? Or maybe ask Dom, a guy Ashlee refers to as a “creeper”, who starts getting very friendly with McKenzie and buying her drinks. Now, considering the number of times McKenzie has nearly made out with Ryan, this guy has gotta be bad news to get that label, right? Preston attempts to interview, but no No NO!

no! No! NO! She has SHOTS instead. SHOTS WOOOOOOO SUPERBOWL!

Preston runs into Maxwell, who was (I think, anyway), the first dude he had sex with last episode (PIMP), and they start getting kissy kissy.  It’s the 4th quarter of THE SUPERBOWL! and we’re informed that The Saints are making a comeback. At this point, Preston gets approached by security and is informed he needs to leave the establishment. He’s not, at least straight off, provided with any information why he is to leave – just that he is to leave.

He’s eventually informed that it’s because Maxwell had a fake ID, as he’s only 20 and the bar is 21+, but the whole thing (at least on the show) is put across as being a little bit fishy. The doorman resolutely refuses to re-admit Preston, even after Maxwell has vanished into the night and Ashlee attempts to negotiate with him. Preston puts this down to having just publicly stuck his tongue down Maxwell’s throat, and while it’s hard to judge on a show as sensationalist and scripted as The Real World there’s probably a sad amount of truth to this. Preston cries in the street a little bit, reminiscing back to his teenage years.

The gang then reunite and go elsewhere, and…. WOAH, the Saints win! THE SAINTS WIN! THE SUPERBOWL!

The unpleasantness of institutionalised homophobia is quickly forgotten and replaced with some good old hard drinkin’. That’s The Real World we know and love! Issues schmissues.

Eric gets his promised MAKE OUT SESSION, as well:

But she has a boyfriend? LAD etc

More trouble a-brewin’, though:

McKenzie apparently decides that, as they’ve not had any drama for a good five minutes of screentime, she has to invent some. Apparently Dom followed them from the homophobic bar and it still trying it on with McKenzie, despite being crazy unpleasant drunk. Maybe it’s because she flat up tells him she blacks out easily?

They go wandering off into the night, arm in arm, closely followed by Ashlee and Preston. They are, understandably, trying to get her away from The Creeper. They don’t have much luck, mostly because Drunk McKenzie apparently acts like a spoilt five year old. Maybe she is better off with Ryan?

Preston and Ashlee eventually give up, and Dom takes her to another bar. Thankfully she comes to her senses and runs away from The Creeper, although really, given the ever-present MTV camera crew, how much danger are we expected to believe she was in?

I’m actually really bored of this episode, given that most of it consists of Ryan and Preston arguing like a pair of bitches, so I’m going to just run through the highlights of their tragic little spats.

Preston is really rude to Ryan because Ryan is something of a domestic slob.
They have another giant argument.
Ryan says that, because of Preston, gay people are Ruined FOREVER for him.
Preston admits that he wiped Ryan’s pants on his ass.

Then shit gets really awful.

Ryan wipes Preston’s cigarettes in his ass.
Preston pees on Ryan’s toothbrush.
They’re both unaware of what the other did.

Honestly, you pair of dimwits: you both deserve this for making The Real World SUCK.

I’m also currently debating writing about the new season of Jersey Shore, which starts TOMORROW in the US. I’M VERY EXCITED.

This week on The Real World:

Mardi Gras! Ryan is a sex pest! Knight is a sex pest! MARDI GRAS!

Firstly, yes, the above is Ryan lurking behind a gate to jump out on a woman he’s trying to hump. Secondly:

“Mardi Gras is here, and I’m ready for some boobies”

AND WE’RE OFF TO A FLYING START.

Thus spake Knight, in the opening part of this week’s episode. Obviously, this is MTV, so there are no boobies on display. Sorry, anyone who stumbles across this via googling “real world kenzie boobs”. Oh, do I love the way wordpress tells you how people find your blog. Yes, I’m talking about you, Mr “Ryan Knight Mankini”. Pervert.

There’s very little in the way of Mardi Gras in the show at all, which is surprising considering how it’s a major event and one of the key things New Orleans is known for internationally.

So the main focus of this episode is, as you can see from the INCREDIBLE double-meaning in the title (his name is Knight, she doesn’t do whites, this shit is OUTTA SIGHT), the blossoming Knight / Jemmye romance. It starts off with a scene where they’re at some party and she is dancing in front of him and then this happens:

Yes, that is Knight’s arm thrusting the dollar bills between Jemmye’s ass cheeks. Lovely stuff.

At some point later on he decides to further illustrate how he is a classic romance hero by making a wall chart and getting the other housemates to guess how long it will take him to make love to his sweetheart.

It’s not really explained why they call her “Jim Beam”, but I would guess it’s because she has a totally retarded name and because she likes to drink until she vomits. Of the answers there, Knight’s is “3″ and Ashlee’s is “never”. That’s cold, Ashlee. Stone cold cold.

Or maybe not, because Knight also makes a comment to Jemmye that he’ll be the best “two pumps” she ever had. Maybe, just maybe, he deserves everything he gets? Maybe they all do?

By this point they’re out at some awful looking DJ bar (again), everyone drinks too much (again), and when they head home a TOTAL ARGUMENT kicks off between Knight and Kenzie. It basically goes like this:

Knight: “Maybe you don’t know, but sex can be fun.”
Kenzie: “I just don’t think two pumps is fun.”
EVERYONE ELSE: OOOOOOOOH OH NO SHE DI’ANT”
Knight: “I think your opinions are goofy to me”

SICK BURN. Cut to a Talking Head Kenzie, who utters these words of supreme wisdom: “Casual sex is like binge eating; it’s good while you do it, but afterwards you feel bad about yourself”

Dear Kenzie: how do you feel if you combine casual sex with binge eating?

Jeymee gets in a strop with all the arguing and runs off to bed. She wraps herself in a towel for… some reason.

I guess Kenzie got her wish, as she totally cock blocked Knight. Won’t be the first time this episode she does this to one of the male housemates…

Meanwhile, apparently Preston has brought someone home who didn’t mind his housemates totally inane arguing and name calling, and they get a bit fuuuuuuuuuuuuunkeeeeeey:

Preston, you dawg.

This obviously sets tongues a-wagging amongst the other inmates, and Ashlee has to ruin it all by getting a bit racist:

JUST KIDDIN’ ASH. You’re probably the least objectionable person in the house, I don’t want to besmirch your reputation just yet. I’m sure you’ll manage it yourself before the season ends.

Preston emerges from the shower, apparently just to creep out his housemates with way too much information:

That second one is an interntrons meme waiting to happen, right. Right?

So they then disappear off to bed and presumably Have The Sex after this, but the thing to remember here is this:

* Preston shares a room with Jemmye
* Jemmye sulked off to bed a while ago

Claaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassy, Preston.

Moving on, moving on. They head out again the next night, to another awful DJ bar. I know I keep saying this, BUT THEY ARE IN NEW ORLEANS. GO SEE SOME LIVE JAZZ OR SOMETHING FOR GOD’S SAKE.

Blah blah. Some girls starts hitting on Knight, right in front of Jemmye. THE SKANK. Jemmye gets in a mad huff and goes to the bar to DO SOME SHOTS. Remember kids, alcohol IS awesome but there are limits. This is one of them:

I’m not sure if she drank the entire rack of test tubes or not. Probably, as she eventually makes up with Knight for… whatever transgression he did in talking to another girl, and she does it in a way steeped in the history and charm of the southern United States:

Wait, is she offering a threesome? That sounds pretty dirty. She’s deffo offering something:

LOGICAL SENSE, THIS MAKES.

But wait, DISASTER STRIKES, and The Real World begins to resemble one of those episodes of Booze Britain filmed in Cardiff on a Saturday night.

JEMMYE/DOORWAY INTERFACE

But then she looks really happy?

But then they get home and she starts sobbing uncontrollably and crying out for Knight?

But then she tries to get help from Ryan, only for him to act like a total dick (how novel) with a hilarious facial expression?

But then Knight goes to hide in the shower?

But then she rings her mother (clearly really late at night) and can do little more than squeal down the phone at her?

DUDE, DRINKING IS THE VERY BEST.

While all this is going on, Preston (THE PIMP) has brought home a different boy (THE PIMP). This one is nicknamed “Big Thang”. Or maybe “Big Thing”. I dunno. He doesn’t deserve any new PIMP TRICKS it seems, because:

So I guess they Have The Sex as well, presumably again whilst Jemmye was in the next bed. Given how hysterically drunk she was earlier though, I doubt she was conscious and forced to listen to it this time.

The following day they’re all sitting around the pool, when Preston appears to cadge some more condoms from Knight. This puts Ryan in a major strop, as apparently he doesn’t like it when people are very open about how they are going to Have The Sex, especially in the middle of the day because apparently that makes the difference.

“Hello. I am a total douchebag.”

See, the thing with this is that I suspect he would not have said this had it not been Preston. All jokes aside, it’s quite clear that Ryan is very uncomfortable over some aspect of his sexuality and he decides to compensate for this by overreacting and trying to me all Alpha Male, which is downright funny considering how much of a pansy looking dimwit he is. He has an argument with Preston after the above scene, after Preston suggests that Ryan is not “100% straight”, which culminates in Ryan getting in a huff because Preston implies Ryan isn’t cute enough for him to be interested. Like, what? Who does that? It’s like that bit on Brass Eye when Chris Morris has a go at Simon Pegg for not fancing his son. Sorta. Except not funny.

Also, there’s the fact that Ryan is a massive sexpest. He makes the point (again) about how he doesn’t like casual sex and wants to only Do The Sex with someone he loves, yet before they go out he goes on about GETTIN’ LUCKY. CLASSIC RYAN, ONCE AGAIN.

Actually, he does get lucky this episode. He falls out with Kenzie again over their baffling will they / won’t they thing, and instead decides to make out with her friend.

WHY WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS

This causes some massive falling out with Kenzie, who keeps trying to cockblock him (told you) and blah di blah. It’s not interesting.

Let’s end this on a happy note, shall we?

THAT’S JEMMYE AND KNIGHT AND THEY HAD THE SEX LOLZ

Drinking! Arguments! Flying cushions! Mankinis! This idiot!

Only on The Real World!

Let’s cut straight to the JUICY BITS. Ryan and Knight have a serious time falling out. If you’re a fan of that thing in The Real World where they get drunk and argue about pointless and minor things, you’re going to love this episode.

It’s a shame, then, that you’ve got to go back a bit and deal with about fifteen minutes of stupidity and whining to understand the context. Ryan, Ashlee and Jemmye head out for the night on their own. They end up at a DJ bar, so we get some standard Real World footage of them all dancing terribly, and really inexplicably a shot of Ryan in the DJ booth itself. It’s amazing what TV cameras will do for you. Then…

Good one, Ryan. I know we’re only two episodes in, but I really feel this sort of comment is CLASSIC RYAN already.  So instead of going to a bar with more girls, they… go home? Except… nobody has any keys? Not even… the production crew who have the cameras and stuff? So… Ryan decides to climb over the gate? OK then.

Also, lol:

Ow.

So at this point, Ryan apparently throws his shoulder out. You can tell this because he sorta faux-stumbles around the house, suddenly without a shirt, sporting a look that lies somewhere between confused and hurt. He then gets some ice and goes to lie on his bed and whimper to himself a bit. The others get home (they’re also drunk), and Knight – quite the expert in shoulder injuries – asks Ryan some questions and comes to the assessment that his shoulder hasn’t popped out because… you can’t see that it has popped out. This seems reasonable to everyone except Ryan, who still sports faces like this:

Internalise that pain, dude. Internalise it. NOBODY UNDERSTAND YOU OR YOUR FLOPPY HAIR. So Eric, who presumably has had enough of Ryan’s emo prick routine, calls a cab and takes him to the local ER. I guess all doctors in a city like Nyar’Leans want to do is deal with hypochondriac whiteboy Brokencyde-reject reality TV castmembers who also happen to be wasted? EXCELLENT. They quickly farm him off with a sling (gone by the following morning) and some badass pain medication.

For some reason, upon returning to the house, Ryan decides to admit to Knight that he was faking the thing all along. Wait, what? Who would do that? The two then start trading insults in that perfect way that only two drunken early-20s males can do. A couple of the other housemates try and intervene and break them up, but then – oh shit - KNIGHT THROWS A CUSHION AT RYAN’S HEAD. Dude.

OH NO HE DI’NT. It’s a bit blurry, but look – I managed to capture the exact moment of impact. From his expression, it’s clear the sucker had no idea it was coming. BURN.

Ryan then gets REALLY MAD because OH DUDE Knight THREW A CUSHION AT HIM and OH DUDE. What I really like though is that the cushion rebounds off Ryan’s head and lands perfectly on the chair. Looks like Ashlee isn’t the only one who can shoot three pointers! <—- SPORTS METAPHOR

SEE. That’s a cushion placement FIT FOR A KING. Oh right, so what else happens? Well, we get a Ryan Talking Head where he hilariously claims all he’s tried to do is be Knight’s friend, uh, despite referring to him as a meathead fratboy whatever last week, and doing anything possible to switch rooms so as not to share with him. They end up going to bed on an unresolved argument (a bad move for any budding couple) and not talking for a few days, but it all works out in the end:

Awww. Also, look – they went to a Dive Bar™ and played darts! That’s some real Nyar’Leans shit right there, I bet they totally hung out with Antoine Baptiste and Big Daddy and YEAH.

This brings me onto a point, actually. They’re in New Orleans, right, a city which seems to have live music stuffed into every single nook and cranny, so why on earth do they keep going to awful awful DJ bars? NOTE TO MTV: YOU ALREADY HAVE ONE JERSEY SHORE.

So yep, we’re two episodes in to The Real World: New Orleans II: The Bloodening and we’ve already got a bust-up of the kind that the DC crew could only dream of.  Not even Ty and Emily would stoop to throwing cushions at each other.

I feel like I’m unfairly ragging on Ryan here, but I can’t help it. The guy just comes across as a total attention-seeking douchebag who absolutely loves drama of all kinds. I’m almost certain he spends all his time pouring his heart out to open contempt on an  internet message board somewhere. Plus, given that Ryan apparently “chafes against the assumption that he is gay” (© wikipedia, so probably stolen from the MTV bio), you’d think he’d want to avoid moments like this:

I guess he got over the whole “you guys touch me and I feel like killing myself” thing, huh.

OK, so I’m totally going to leave Ryan alone until at least next week. What else happened this week? Chiefly, Eric and Sahar TOTALLY LIEK MADE OUT. In a club. When they were both clearly drunk. Romance, thy name is:

Schexxxxy. They then have some kind of confusing heart to heart about how Sahar has a boyfriend but actually doesn’t but sorta really does and I don’t really know what happened because IT’S NOT VERY INTERESTING.

Far more interesting is the ongoing Knight/Jemmye romance, which is shaping up to be an epic to last the ages and define the notion of “love” as far as the early 21st Century goes. Basically: Jemmye has never ever done sex with a whiteboy before, and Knight is hoping to be her first. I say “hoping”, I mean “he repeatedly tells her they’re going to have sex eventually”. I am shedding a tear right now, everyone. She usually appears unconvinced, but at one point this episode they end up sharing a bed (what?) and then he takes her bra off her (what?) and throws it at Preston (what?), who is in the next bed at the same time.

There are really no words.

Knight decides to change tactics towards the end of the episode, and moves away simple borderline-sexual harassment into borderline public exposure. Most of the cast are outside in the pool, and he turns up in a Borat-esque mankini thing.

I’d like to publicly thank MTV for censoring this. I’d like to publicly not thank them for that not being a real alligator.

Let’s wrap this up, shall we? The best bit of the pool scene is the following – the mankini becomes a topic of conversation, with some of the guys enquiring to the ladies as to how comfortable it was with having such things riding up your bum. Because all girls wear thongs, OBVZ. Sahar replies that she wouldn’t know as, in a simply lovely choice words, she mentions that doesn’t put things “up her ass”. The camera immediately cuts to this:

OHHHHHH THE BURN OF DISAPPOINTMENT

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